Reflections

I’m going to start this post a little differently. I will post Finding Our Voice (Part 2) soon about this issue of birth trauma but it’s been a big couple of weeks that require reflection. Usually I like to reflect on things much more in the past, where I can provide personal anecdotes that connect to a broader issue-anxiety and mental health, life’s expectations, self care and pacing etc. Often it’s easier for me to write about it, because it lacks the immediacy of more recent events and provides me a with a sort of emotional detachment. I want to reflect on how I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks. It’s been a tough couple of weeks and today I feel just emotionally and physically spent. Last week, out of the blue, I thought to myself “why are you writing all this personal information for everyone to read and judge?! You’re crazy!” I pushed this thought away and reminded myself of The Grand Plan-to raise awareness of this condition; to create empathy and understanding. When it’s personal, people are more likely to read and take notice. But do I want to be that (cute) little guinea pig?

I guess it all ties into this idea of the lost voice-feeling unheard or misunderstood. Last week I touched on the ongoing stigma of mental health. Recent interactions with a couple of friends made me feel like discussing these issues on an open platform like this is well…a…little…bit…crazy. It was meant innocently enough, but one friend expressed surprise that I would talk about these perceived private issues so publicly. Another questioned why I would feel anxious in the first place and it made me want to retreat. I sought external validation from Hubby-was I doing an OK job at this and does a blog like this have a place? He reassured me that it did, but really, the validation should come within. I’ve been attending a weekly program on ACT-Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which in a nutshell, proposes that you look at you life mindfully and recognise that experiencing a variety of feelings is “normal”. It doesn’t propose that the goal in life is to constantly seek happiness, but accept that life experiences can be both joyful and difficult. And by being aware and objective about the feelings we are experiencing, we can create better strategies to approach life’s many challenges. And I feel by writing this blog, it validates this way of thinking. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies and shits and giggles. It can be HARD! Others with a chronic illness of a similar age can attest to the fact that we have been challenged in ways that many of our peers have not yet been. But as much as I would like to, I can’t bury my head in the sand and tell the universe, that’s it! I’ve had my fair share! It just doesn’t work that way…….(As an aside, this idea of always seeking happiness and remaining positive to the detriment of a more authentic life experience is covered off in a couple of books that I’ve got in my reading list-“The Happiness Trap” by Dr Russ Harris and “Toxic Positivity : Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy” by Whitney Goodman. If you’ve read them and would like to discuss, send me a line or hit me up when I see you!)

 

 

I have had people come up to me or contact me and tell me how brave I am for writing like this. Until the last couple of weeks, it didn’t even occur to me that I was doing anything particularly courageous. I just felt like it needed to happen. But, when you are tired or unwell (I just found out this morning I have been taking the wrong medication for the past week and missing my pain meds-damn you generic packaging!), those moments of validation and care from others have been gratefully received.

That’s my little ramble for now. Thanks for listening and reading!

Catch you on the next post, friends.

xx Jen – The Girl on Fire.